I'm it!

 Being a parent when your heart is hurting makes it the hardest job.  Today I stopped dead in my tracks and thought about how lonely I am.  I've been longing for companionship.  The complete lack of intimacy causes irritability and frustration.  I'm short tempered.  It's hard to live out every day without feeling love or passion.  I don't feel his touch or his love anymore.  It pisses me off because he doesn't understand how it effects me every moment I have to go without a universal human need.  The need for touch is exceeding the threshold in my brain.  Each and every day I get up and cater to my kids.  There is never a day that I can just live.  It feels like there's never anyone to pick me up when I fall.  It might make me stronger and more educated as I get older though in time lonely lives fade off into the sunset.  If we don't use it we lose it.  It's only 9:11 a.m. and it's been a rough morning.  I'd like a weekday off from work so I can actually get some stuff done before tending to my kids after school.  Honestly I don't look forward to weekends, or vacations, holidays, or summer break.  I actually dread it.  Especially because once again I won't have a vehicle.  It drives me absolutely insane listening to my daughter whine and cry and scream at me because we can't go anywhere and she has no one to play with.  It's the hardest most complex job anyone could ever have. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, drinks, homework, backpack, school clothes, after school activities, playing, disciplining, explaining, answering questions, teaching responsibility, laundry, dishes, groceries, doctors, the school, work, no transportation, no intimacy, no support, no one to help.  It's all me.  Every single fucking day it's all me. I'm it! Most of the time I think I handle it pretty well though sometimes it builds up in me and I can't keep my emotions in check.  Crying seems to be the only way I can relieve the pressure that builds up but I don't want to cry anymore.  I keep saying that if I could just get a few days here by myself I could make this place manageable.  Without the kids here I could organize and give every item a home so then I could put things where they belong as well as get rid of shit that has no home or purpose.  I've got to go to work so I better lose my attitude.  I am so thankful for this opportunity to vent and I'm very appreciative to those of you who take the time to read my blog.  Feel free to comment, I like having different points of view.