It's a DuBarr Thing

Has anyone else ever sat down and thought to themselves "shit, I'm mean"?  I've wondered before if I had it all wrong though today more than ever I am really questioning myself.  The reason being is I have terrible OCD and things have to go a certain way.  It's one of the main reasons I don't go anywhere or visit many people. I'm unsure how to push those feelings of control aside for the people that just need safety from me.  I'll never hurt any child physically though unintentionally I believe I frighten them because I'm stern or my beliefs are so intense that I have to have things done a certain way which is normally never the kids way.  Tonight as I sit here on the edge of my bed I want to know how I can be different?  I want to know how I can maintain a level of being stern but not so obsessive that I scare a kid? When something is done under the strategy of someone else's brain I want to be able to accept their way, fully accept their proc

  I don't know how to stop being mad at and hating myself so my children stop thinking that I hate them. The truth is I am so ashamed of my life and how I've gone no where.  Learning how to cope in society today from what it was for me growing up has been more than complicated.  The comments under my breath, the constant sighing, rolling my eyes, and acting as if it's the worst thing in the world that they ask me for anything when I'm busy.  It is true and for every reason, that my children think I hate them.  The thing about it is that it's not true at all.  I love them and I am mad at myself for not doing better for them.  They deserve so much better than what I've been able to give them. It's super important for our upbringing that every child has the experiences from both a male and female role model.  Realistically we need these role models until we're about 35.  It's possible there is much truth behind women needing less time though at age 35 w

 Journal Entry: Unknown date and time. The mind is like a muscle exercising it makes it stronger with ability to expand. Cultivate a positive mindset. Very good things can happen from the most challenging battles or negative events. Gratitude- always give "thanks". Rather than wanting anything more be completely thankful for the life you live right now. Every season has a reason.  I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can do with what I know. There are so many reasons that I feel lost, incomplete, or not good enough. Every task I try to complete leads me off into another direction where I begin but don't complete a different chore.  Stuff gets moved around, left out (to use or just see what's available) and creates chaos for not only me though my kids as well. Many people prove how the world will try to control you. The most important information you need is: you're in complete control of you.  No one on this earth will ever hold powe

  If there happens to be another life for me, I'd like to be born with the same knowledge I leave this life with. After living there's a few things I'd like to be aware of for my next life.   Granted I get one, I'd like to know how important it is to form a good reputation for yourself. Word of mouth is the most credible way to spread information. When you're good to people; when you act accordingly, treating people with respect even in their weakest moments, allows you to get the upmost respect. If I could I'd like to realize how important it is to do good in school so that I apply myself from the start. Can I know that true love wants to know you spiritually and intellectually before ever knowing you intimately and sexually?  In my next life I want to know more about my health, my mind, and my body. Reading body language will help me drastically. From the beginning I'll respect my mom, I'll show her more love.  I'll realize that my trauma's nee