It's a DuBarr Thing

 I'll question everything now maybe not out loud but you'll hear me and you'll see the way I allowed you to change me it's more like I've evolved you might not enjoy me at all but if you won't leave me  and I won't leave you how do we live? what do we do? I'll respect your honesty and shame your lies my intuition is as accurate as the look in your eyes before I knew, I really trusted you and if I were to be completely honest I don't feel like you're through and I think what hurts me the most is the battle I have with myself the one about being enough when I thought I was all along then you came around and proved me wrong.

 During my childhood and teenage years, my mother often contradicted herself in what she communicated to me. She would say that I didn't need a man or anyone else, but then she would follow up with comments suggesting I wouldn't be able to make it on my own or achieve certain things. I've come to realize how much these conflicting messages have affected my adult mindset. Recently, I've noticed that making decisions has become increasingly challenging for me. There are days when I find it hard to leave my room, and I end up second-guessing every question or option I face. This has led to feelings of shame regarding my behavior, as it is clearly impacting my life.

Around 13 years ago, I began living with a guy whose roommate was incarcerated. When the roommate was released, he came to the apartment to collect his belongings that my ex had set aside for him, and that was our first encounter. After some time, I managed to leave that situation, and about 10 years later, I started communicating with the roommate, which quickly turned into some passionate one-night stands. We probably met a few times each year for several years. It’s been about 5 or 6 years since we last hooked up, a decision I made because, despite his attempts to reach out, I just didn’t feel right about it. It was strange since he is quite attractive, very passionate, and enjoys continuing intimacy after climax, but I sensed he was becoming possessive and uneasy about anyone else being around me. It felt like he wanted me to allow him to take control, but I wasn’t willing to do that. The last time he came over unexpectedly, I was talking with my son’s friend in the kitchen. When I...