It's a DuBarr Thing

 During my childhood and teenage years, my mother often contradicted herself in what she communicated to me. She would say that I didn't need a man or anyone else, but then she would follow up with comments suggesting I wouldn't be able to make it on my own or achieve certain things. I've come to realize how much these conflicting messages have affected my adult mindset. Recently, I've noticed that making decisions has become increasingly challenging for me. There are days when I find it hard to leave my room, and I end up second-guessing every question or option I face. This has led to feelings of shame regarding my behavior, as it is clearly impacting my life.

Around 13 years ago, I began living with a guy whose roommate was incarcerated. When the roommate was released, he came to the apartment to collect his belongings that my ex had set aside for him, and that was our first encounter. After some time, I managed to leave that situation, and about 10 years later, I started communicating with the roommate, which quickly turned into some passionate one-night stands. We probably met a few times each year for several years. It’s been about 5 or 6 years since we last hooked up, a decision I made because, despite his attempts to reach out, I just didn’t feel right about it. It was strange since he is quite attractive, very passionate, and enjoys continuing intimacy after climax, but I sensed he was becoming possessive and uneasy about anyone else being around me. It felt like he wanted me to allow him to take control, but I wasn’t willing to do that. The last time he came over unexpectedly, I was talking with my son’s friend in the kitchen. When I...

 It's been quite some time since I've been able to sit and actually express the way I've been feeling lately and how it's impacted my ability to move along.  Decisions are my biggest challenge.  Half the time I feel like I don't know where I'm going or when.  I'll sit around all damn day before I get up and start getting anything done.  The symptoms of whatever it is I'm experiencing are so much worse when my children are around.  They really don't know and I don't expect them to know the type of chaos that presents itself in my mind. My daughter will stand next to me and relentlessly ask me the same thing again and again.  She doesn't take being told no very well. She's very persistent and she tries the "whoa is me" whining, which in turn only pisses me off.  For instance she will say "well I was going to ask you but I know you'll just say no" or "fine, if you don't let me then I'm going to run in the...